First Person Shooter

"Welcome to the land where silicon meets silicone."

Did ya see Mulder and Scully in them there outfits? Did ya enjoy 
watching bad guys get all blowed up? Did ya secretly get a thrill 
at Scully shooting one Big Freaking Gun? And hey, who doesn't love 
the Lone Gunmen, right? "First Person Shooter" was like the big 
summer "blockbuster" movie. The one you munch on popcorn to, enjoy 
the pretty pictures, and promptly forget. The only thing this 
episode was missing to complete the picture was the musical 
interlude sequence where we learn about how the characters are 
feeling through a series of scenes set to a ballad which along 
with "sound effects editing" is the movie's only Oscar nomination. 
It was all sizzle and no substance. Sure, I laughed and cheered at 
points, but I miss the episodes that also required you to think.

As an X-Files fan you are asked every week to suspend disbelief. 
But, as a show with a highly technical fan base, these types of 
episodes make it a little more difficult to do so. I'll give 
them the game character that somehow "jumped programs" and added 
herself to the game. That's a good tradeoff for believing in a 
flukeman and the like. I'll even pretend that some how a digital 
character could actually cut or kill a person. However, for 
writers who seem to write almost exclusively in a technical 
genre, why do William Gibson and Tom Maddox make us have to 
overlook things like simply shutting off the computers or 
unplugging them? How hard is that and - poof - no more game! 
I'm also not sure how they came up with the idea that shutting 
down the game would destroy the program as well, that's certainly 
some dramatic license. These developers don't do backups?

What did I enjoy about this episode? I thought some of the 
character stuff with Mulder and Scully was a lot of fun. I 
especially enjoyed Scully in the autopsy repeatedly scratching 
that and the back and forth banter with Mulder posing for Scully 
as the digital entertainment poster boy. And yes, the costumes 
and some of the shoot 'em up stuff was enjoyable. I'm glad in the 
midst of such a boyfic script they had Scully saving the day much 
to Mulder's humiliation. I liked things like the juxtaposition of 
Scully's "no fair pickin' on a girl" to Maitreya kicking Mulder's 
ass. Mulder trying to reason a fair fight out of the video vixen 
was a hoot. Heck Scully's hair even got a jolt of floof so you 
know I have to be happy about that. I can honestly say yes, I 
was entertained. The problem that I have is that it did so by 
appealing to the lowest common denominator way of entertaining. 
Much like the summer movies I mentioned earlier. 

Even if the episode was supposed to be about testosterone. Even 
if Scully (who we all know by now is a great shot) is the one to 
be "in the zone" (please - did Byers actually say that?). I still 
found this episode overly sexist to both sexes. The men came 
across as gonad-addled doofs, and we were subject to over the 
top ass watching (that was professional, porn boy), thongs, and 
finger biting. Subtlety? What's that? Is the point they were 
going for that there is no subtlety in a video game so there 
certainly can't be any in a story about them? I felt at one 
point they were trying to say something by reinforcing Scully's 
place in what is essentially a man's world professionally. She 
even had to walk the gauntlet of drooling males at the police 
station. That point has been made before brilliantly in scenes 
like her dealing with the sexist cop in "2shy", but it started 
to get lost in the way Carter chose to direct this one despite 
lines about what it is like to choke in a "haze of rampant 
testosterone."

It was hard to really like anyone in this script. Scully came 
across as the harpy of reason and Mulder looked stupid. Instead 
of getting out after he had "saved" the Lone Gunmen he runs off 
armed only with a fake gun to fight someone using real weapons 
to kill. The Lone Gunmen are in it for the money and finally get 
a conscience at the end when they realize their friends are in 
trouble. All of the supporting characters in this one were 
annoying. From that knuckle biting cop (oh, and that was such 
a classy gesture we really needed to see it twice - not) to 
Ivan the gaming weasel boy who doesn't care who dies for his 
software to Phoebe the blubbering creator of virtual mayhem, 
they were all very hard to look on with anything but disdain. 
At least Krista Allen was mildly entertaining in her Jade Blue 
Afterglow persona as she tried to get a rise out of Scully and 
cracked about "Xena Warrior Princess". That is if you could 
notice she was actually talking.

As a director I have usually enjoyed Chris Carter's work, but 
this is probably his weakest effort (and yes, I am counting 
"The List"). I could not believe he even went for the TV version 
of the "Basic Instinct" leg cross shot. Yes, I think we can all 
agree that it is fun to watch Scully shoot a big gun, but over 
and over and over with different versions of babes in chaps or 
straddling a phallic tank gun? It was like the X-Files version 
of "Fun with Dick and Jane": See Scully shoot. See Mulder play 
with his sword. See Jane wear a new colored thong. Dick is very 
happy. Shoot, Scully, shoot!

He couldn't even manage to spice up the game which came across 
as pretty damn dull. As a person who has played many a first 
person shooter, the big open space hide and shoot with the 
Wolfenstein Nazis and motorcycle murderers was just too 
straightforward. Where's the challenge? The people popping 
out and surprising? Perhaps they could have used more dressing 
on the set to give atmosphere instead of just slopping some 
water on the floor. Did they blow the budget on the costumes?

I'll just say that "First Person Shooter" succeeded at being 
mindless entertainment. Unfortunately, that's not the reason 
I watch the X-Files.

Random Musings
-----------------------

-Either the game is really mean (and I can't even imagine the 
medical waivers one would have to sign to play) or "Low-Fat" 
is a grade "A" wuss for flopping around in agony like that 
after having his paint explode.

-For a privately held company in need of money that appeared 
to only have two employees and a security guard, they sure 
had some fancy digs. I can only imagine how much the retinal 
scan device cost.

-In the "It could have been worse" department: Apparently a 
last minute change was made to the script because in the press 
release the character was actually named Jade Blue Cockburn. 
I kid you not.

-Something tells me that Scully wouldn't be too pleased that 
Langly now greets her with "Dudes!" At least you can always 
count on Frohike to suck up to her, barely glancing at Mulder 
as he offered refreshments.

-So, just how long did they leave that bloody body on the 
floor? Mulder and Scully had to travel cross-country after 
the Lone Gunmen thought to call them. Luckily those bright 
kids at FPS covered him in bubble wrap. That's showing the 
dead respect.

-Why didn't they just change the tag line to "the bloodthirst 
is unquenchable" for the amount of times we had to see and 
hear this mantra? It would've made more sense than "Deceive, 
Inveigle, Obfuscate" did.

-I know we've all missed it. The 1013 bathroom humor. It 
always makes me proud to be a fan. This week's entry in the 
classless: "I don't know about you guys, but I'd be checking 
my shorts for cake.

-Our Little Sailor: "Scratch that. Wound is the result of 
high velocity impact from an unknown object which even if 
it did enter the body left no damn trace evidence whatsoever."

-I'm a little confused on why the woman would choose a 
fighting strip-o-gram with a dog collar and F-me heels as 
her version of a personal "goddess". As Scully points out 
she's an "immature hormonal fantasy".

-Moose and Squirrel must be pretty popular with the L.A. 
County Sheriff's department since they just "worked" with 
them in "X-Cops" as well.

-Oopsie: We see Mulder drop his sword after saying "that's 
not really fair is it?" and yet it is back in his hand when 
Cyber!Scully appears to save the day.

-Speaking of, Cyber!Scully is a hell of a quick change artist 
as she is able to get into that outfit within seconds of seeing 
Mulder's predicament on the monitor. Pretty good for someone 
who can't find time to even tuck in a blouse these days.

-Frank's Fashion Spot: When are they going to let Scully look 
like a professional again? I'm just asking. And was there some 
horrible dry cleaning monster episode that we missed and that 
is why Scully now only has two shirts one of which doesn't fit?

-Were those cod pieces really necessary? To protect them from 
dripping paint? And why was Mulder wearing the Henry VIII super 
deluxe model?

-And why in the world was Mulder wearing those silly little 
sunglasses in the dark? Is looking "cool" more important than 
safety?

-I'm actually not sure why Maitreya let Mulder live instead of 
killing him when he was down as she did the others. Perhaps she 
was fond of his bitchin' outfit. 

-It certainly was entertaining to see the Gunmen try to create 
a "kill switch" out of drive connector cables. I guess that was 
in as a little nod to the previous effort by the authors. My 
computer already has a kill switch built in. It's labeled "power".

-If the X-Files has taught us something it is to never call 
Scully "baby". Your options after doing so are either peeing 
through a catheter or counting your teeth. Personally I'd like 
to have seen her teach weasel boy a lesson.

-Perhaps I just wasn't buying Constance Zimmer's performance as 
Phoebe and that's why during her big crying jag dramatic scene 
all I could think is "how short is that woman that even Scully 
towers over her?" 

-I'd be willing to bet cold hard cash that the last Mulder 
voiceover was a Chris Carter "improvement" to the script. It 
had all the finesse of his original "cheese on macaroni" piece 
in "Syzygy" only this time we get to talk about sweeteners. 
Does Carter talk like this in real life? "The taste of virtual 
victory is not sweet and low" - damn. That is profound.

-That video game certainly had interesting levels. I mean we 
went from "Nightmare Nazis" to "Tumbleweeds and Tanks".

-Vancouver Flashback: It looks like rain is just pouring down 
on Scully in some of those Wild Wild West shots.

-So this woman kills the "original guru" no problem and yet 
eight of her with two guns each can't hit Scully just standing 
there or Mulder lying in a heap? Damn. Scully is good.

-Well I guess 1013 decided to jump on the putting Gillian's 
head on an impossible body internet bandwagon a few years too 
late. No doubt they've been waiting to see Scully in this 
outfit. Could they have at least replaced the dog collar with 
the cross? At least it was not a nude, but certainly just as 
stupid. Yeah if only Scully would wear a thong and have huge 
tits. That's the key. Whatever.

Autumn
"What kind of moron gets his ya yas out like that?"