"Shut up Mulder."
"Sure. Fine. Whatever."
 There you have it, my encapsulated review in a mere two 
quotes. Says it all really. Especially since I'm having 
a hard time really summing up this episode. I'll come 
clean with you folks - though I wouldn't call myself a 
"relationshipper" in the romantic sense of the word - I 
do find the relationship between Scully and Mulder one 
of the big draws of the show for me - and for that reason 
I was dreading this episode. Turns out I was right and 
wrong - the whole girlfriend for Mulder thing wasn't that 
bad, but that cosmic syzygy thing that happened to 
Mulder & Scully's personalities was.
 I thought about starting my review with "hate it, hate it, 
wouldn't want to rate it", but in this case hate is too strong 
a word. It certainly wasn't dull like "The List" or "Space". I 
can't even pretend that I won't rewatch this one much - 
(though I will guarantee it will be at times when I'm in a real 
odd mood). There are a lot of good things about this episode ... 
it's just ... I was tense the whole time - sure I laughed, but I 
wasn't happy with myself for doing so. I think it was a *real* 
mistake showing this as the first new episode after "War of 
the Coprophages" (in which I found the character interplay 
delightful). Back to back episodes where we exist in this 
oddly humorous alternate universe is not a good thing. In 
fact I probably would've liked this show more a few weeks 
down the road. As it is, it stands to be compared to Morgan's 
episode where our heroes teased each other. In Chris 
Carter's "funny" episode universe they are cruel and cranky 
and use their knowledge to push each other's buttons. I 
don't care if it can all be supposedly explained away by the 
fact that they were in a "cosmic G-spot" at a date and time 
when "relationships are going to suck" - there had to be some 
underlying feelings behind the words - I didn't like it and I'm 
glad we apparently don't have to worry about this particular 
planetary alignment again for another 84 years. 
 Even the "Monster of the Week" was odd - two teenage 
girls who go through a transformation from honor role to black 
eyeliner applied, teased hair, sleazily dressed vixens (I loved 
their attempt at seducing the poor adolescent football hero with 
"You know, maybe if we weren't virgins we wouldn't be so 
scared") - or maybe in this case the "monster" was the planetary 
alignment - or even for some Detective Angela White. All I know 
is the town of Comity was anything but "the perfect harmony city" 
claimed in the sign.
 The first Mulder and Scully scene really set the tone for this 
episode - it seems somehow fitting that this show starts with 
a wrong turn and them arguing over directions - their 
impatience with each other already beginning to show. I 
just didn't like what this episode did to Mulder and Scully. 
Mulder becomes this odd combination of goofiness and 
cutting remarks, and Scully, well, she becomes a bitch on 
wheels - impatient, disbelieving, and smug - what a scene 
with those latex gloves - "Sure. Fine. [SNAP] Whatever." 
They are out of sync the whole episode not even able to 
communicate non-verbally as their timing is so bad they don't 
even look at each other at the right times. At least when Mulder 
visits Det. White to apologize for Scully's behavior he tells her 
Scully is usually "rigid in a wonderful way".
 I know those of you out there who steadfastly refuse to 
believe that Scully ever gets jealous will use the whole 
planetary alignment thing as an out, but certainly you can't 
deny what you saw in this episode. First the confrontation 
at the gym - her noting that he wasn't in his room, but was 
with White - "Look, we've been working together for what - 
two years now - we have differing opinions, but I didn't 
expect you to ditch me." Mulder's snarl back to her "I didn't 
ditch you" - yikes. 
"Fine. Whatever." (Hey! She left out the "Sure."). Then 
the scene in the field with Mulder's cutting "No, be my 
guest - I know how much you like snapping on the latex." 
Then that hallway confrontation after Mulder's inappropriate 
perfume comment (what is it that has made him obsessed 
with sniffing). This was a really weird scene - Scully getting 
after Mulder big time for his behavior while he continues to 
blatantly sniff her. When he brings up Detective White 
that's the final blow - we see the jealous beast - and she 
is out of there.
 O.K., let's talk about the motel room scenes, clearly the 
oddest combination of events in X-Files history. Mulder 
mixing the scariest screwdriver I've ever seen - nothing 
on TV but the Keystone Cops. (I did find his bit about 
holding the remote at odd angles to try to make that show 
change funny). Meanwhile, we are shocked to find Dr. 
Scully in the next room, butt-filled ashtray sitting on top 
of her Gideon Bible, puffing away. Do you suppose in 
some twisted way Scully in her room smoking, pacing, 
and muttering about Det. White was her way of saying 
"hate her, hate her, wouldn't wanna date her?". If this 
wasn't enough, Det. White arrives on the scene for her 
heartfelt "my cat's dead - let's have sex" scene. Though 
he does hug her (no doubt to sniff again), in Mulder's 
defense (how's those words coming from me), he did try 
to fend her off as she tried to solve the mystery of the 
horny beast. Of course, only Scully's amazing sense of 
psychic timing leads her to barge in on them at precisely 
the wrong second - the look on her face was priceless.
 The only saving grace of their next little parking lot tiff 
was that Mulder did seem to want to make sure Scully 
knew "it's not what you think". She really doesn't 
believe this so she goes off on him (in an apparent nod 
to the fans who have always wondered this) about him 
always getting to drive. "Is it because you're the guy - 
because you're the big macho man?!" Mulder: "No, I 
was just never sure your little feet could reach the 
pedals". (Ouch! That's the first time we've seen a slam 
at her height).
 So, we reach the end of our little tale. We have a 
backwards phone conversation where we hear "Scully, 
it's me" - (at least she gets to ask him where he is). We 
have the anything you can do I can do better "No, I'm 
way ahead of you" tit-for-tat. We have *another* Scully 
"Sure. Fine. Whatever." I will say the Keystone Cops 
guns-a-firing scene was well done. And apparently, 
monsters locked in the closet, clock striking 12, our 
heroes are back in sync - shouting in unison. Well, 
almost back in sync. Yes, the last driving bit was funny - 
the juxtaposition of seats as Mulder tries to fit himself in 
the shoved up passenger side and Scully struggles to 
move the driver side seat up. Then she barrels out of 
town running a stop sign.
 Well, that's it. Whatever happened to "best friends are 
supposed to stick together, right?" Mulder and Scully 
need to remember that - and quick. So do the writers. 
Please Chris, give us a nice dark X-File and a Mulder 
and Scully who like each other. 
 Nitpicks
--------
 -I am really confused by the timing of the bleacher-boy 
death. We see a timestamp of 5:10AM when Scully 
arrives. When did all this happen? This school holds 
basketball practice at 3AM?
 The Comments Grab Bag
---------------------
 -Will DD ever live down his Jeopardy loss - I believe he 
also missed a question involving Grover Cleveland - the 
name of this fictional high school.
 -I have this really odd mental picture in my head of Mulder 
and Scully missing each other by minutes as they both run 
to the "Pick Kwick" around the corner from the hotel - 
looking to buy off-brand vodka and cigarettes.
 -We should have known something was up based on that 
school mascot - it looked like the "horn-ed" beast burned 
on the skin of the victim.
 -SRE's: Embalming fluid chemical reaction causing burning. 
Rumor panic.
 -What are naked movie star games?
 -Sensible shoe update - Scully *is* wearing them when 
walking through the muddy fields.
 -I think that RuPaul wannabe Dr. Godfrey was wearing 
the perfume Mulder likes.
 -Oh, and for those of you in Scully smoking denial (I'm 
with you) - remember "Beyond the Sea" - it definitely 
wasn't her first time.
 Autumn
"I didn't see anything anyway"